Poetry by Tracy Marks

What if?

copyright 1987 by Tracy Marks


Over the years, in order to affirm myself and not feel dragged into the vortex of despair which once was my daily experience, I have begun to avoid confronting the obstacles before me by diverting my attention to easier and often pleasurable facets of my life.

Sometimes, unknowingly, I invent a false problem, intriguing but irrelevant, which does not stir up the frenzy of emotion I feel what actually facing the existing barricade.

Occasionally, I plunge headlong into a new activity or a relationship which inflames my passion and distracts me with the excitement of beginning anew, or I absorb myself in previously existing situations which suddenly promise to be a deeper source of nourishment.

Other times I create sensory overload, schedule too many tasks or meetings, and spin around inside myself in a whirlpool of diverse emotions, detached from the experiences which precipitated them because of their overabundance, because of my refusal to make space to center and assimilate and contact my real feelings.

Today I stopped before grasping an inviting alternative, wondering if the only other option is balking at the impasse, and wallowing in that old, brooding despondency.

What if, instead, I study that locked door, explore its many crevices, approach it from other angles?

What if I look up from my enclosed cell, and find a passageway to the roof?

What if I swim through that despair, rather than drown in its center, and retain hope and will to break free?

What if I sink beneath the clamor of my mind into the depths of silence, and find the key?





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